When I started blogging this summer, I was committed to
blogging at least once a week because writing is a passion and I WANT to
WRITE! However, I didn’t necessarily
take into account that life might be spinning at too grand a speed to keep up
with.
May I share a bit about the last 2
months with you?
My husband has been in the wireless telecom industry for 15
years. For the last 11 years he has
worked for the same company and advanced up the ladder slowly but surely. This summer he was finally offered the
opportunity of a lifetime as the vice president of a company in
Washington. Yes, Washington State.
We were thrilled, but a little nervous about moving from Texas to
Seattle in time to get our daughters registered for school by September 1st. We waited and waited for the final offer letter
and more information about the timeline for when all of this would be
happening. Shockingly enough, the company
wasn’t all too concerned about a mother’s dilemma in back to
school shopping (i.e. t-shirts and capris or sweaters and boots) – Texas vs.
Washington fashion wear is a bit different in early September, and always.
In addition to finding a house in Seattle, we would also
need to pack up our house in Texas where we’ve resided for almost 11 years. And that doesn’t just happen in a day or two.
At least one garage sale was lurking in my future, I felt sure.
Oh, and did I mention my 18-year-old was in the process of
moving out and into his own apartment?
My mission was to help him get ready to move and to keep my ugly-cry-face hidden from him at all costs. I
wanted him to feel excited about his next step of independence and not one bit
worried about his poor mother dissolving into tears every few minutes. The thought of driving away and leaving him
in Texas and moving to Washington was something I could only think about in a
controlled environment about once a day.
As far as the move itself, there was SO MUCH to do,
but we couldn’t really do anything until we knew what we
were doing. This made for some long conversations of
speculation and pretend-planning, as well as days and days of nail biting and
anxiety attacks.
We excitedly broke the news to friends and family. I could feel the surprise and the lack of
enthusiasm from my mother especially. While
my Dad began to route the drive to Seattle considering the cost of gas, hours on
the road and possible stopping points along the way, my mother went about her
business like Scarlett O’Hara – oh, fiddle-dee-dee, I'll think about that tomorrow. She decided not to think or talk too much about it which was A-OK with me.
I really didn’t want to think about how far away it was either. Or how long it would be before I could come home.
Just as summer was drawing to a close and Erik was about to
purchase round trip tickets to Seattle to look at houses – everything
changed. He got a call one Monday
morning that he would be getting the VP job, but instead of the Pacific
Northwest market he would remain in the Southwest Region. No move, no change in schools, no 2,000 miles
away from Bryce – NO KIDDING!
I called my mother and said, “What have you been praying
for? Because I think it just happened.”
I'm still stunned at how God worked it all out. He answered a prayer we hadn't even thought to pray! He is so good.
So life did go back to some semblance of normalcy around the
first of September. The girls started
school and Erik started traveling around to all the offices in the southwest
region to meet his staff and start getting his feet wet in his dream job. I am so proud and happy for him!
I thought NOW I can finally sit down and write again. But while life had almost settled down, my emotions
were in free fall because my son was leaving home. And the part of my brain that writes really shouldn't post anything on the eternal internet while in free fall. Otherwise my readers might get a taste of some of my peculiarities I keep hidden beneath the surface (I'm only slightly kidding ;)
…….back to my man-child moving out of the house. I really thought I was ready for it. God does a funny thing with teenagers and
parents around the last year or so of high school. It’s just a natural part of
life that I'm actually grateful for. He brings you to the place in your relationship with your kid that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt – yea, you aren’t supposed to live here
anymore.
Because God knows if he still looked like this I would never let him leave home.
Or this.
Or oh my goodness, this...I cannot even.
So as Bryce
started packing up his room and setting the date for the big move, I guess I
just went through a season that all parents go through at some point.
Letting go.
I kept saying to Erik, did we do enough? I would pray, Lord did I do enough? Was all our love and guidance over the last
18 years enough? Did we teach him enough
to survive on his own? Did we do enough
talking to him about heart disease and how important those 3 pills are every
day? Did his dad do enough to teach him
about managing his finances? Did I do
enough to teach him how to believe in himself and take care of himself? For weeks, this was my thought process. Around and around the panic consumed me.
But God is so faithful amidst the swirling thoughts we allow ourselves to get swept away in.
And He answered me one day, loud and clear. I’ve been at peace ever
since.
He said, “No, you didn’t do enough. It’s not your job to do it ALL
for your child because you CAN’T. You do what you can, realizing you’ll make
mistakes and have regrets along the way.
You build a relationship with that little person and give them
everything you can, but then you have to let go and give them to the world. Give them to ME.”
God smiled and said, “I’ve got him.”
We pour everything into our kids, don’t we? We celebrate the smallest victory. We mourn over every heart break. As parents, and moms especially, we recognize
a child is like an internal organ walking around outside your body encountering
every scary thing this world throws at them. And we hope we’ve prepared them. We do the best we can, and then we finally
let go – usually leaving our tear stains and nail prints as they happily, confidently walk
out the door.
And we’ve accomplished something great if they are happy to
leave us. Isn’t that painfully ironic?
God in His wisdom knew a long time ago that I would
never be enough for my kids. So he sent
His son to die on the cross for them.
His son was resurrected for them.
His Son pursues them and courts them and prepares a way for them. And most unbelievably – his Son loves them
even more than I do and knows their gifts and promises even better than I do.
So yea, I’m okay with being “not enough” when it comes to my
kids. Because Jesus IS.
And when the devil gets busy and starts reminding me of all
my failures and regrets with my kids, I’ve just started saying with a wink, “I’m just
leaving room for Jesus!”
