Supreme Court Smackdown

It’s the slap heard across the country.  Around the world.  To be clear I am not talking about the controversial issue of gay marriage.  I’m referring to the Supreme Court legislating from their unelected benches.  The majority of nine, unelected lawyers – sanctioning what the majority of Americans are not in favor of.  This scares me more than the law itself.

Seventy-six percent of Americans already live in a state where they can lawfully marry someone of the same sex based on the vote of its citizens.  Yet, these judges took it upon themselves to create a law which goes against their constitutional bounds and steps on the feet of the legislators – and let’s be honest, the American people.  How many states have voted and said they disagree with the legalization of gay marriage?  Why do these judges feel they have the right to make this decision?  Five people did this – a majority of nine.

So whether you support gay marriage or not, I hope you can at least acknowledge that what happened in the Court last week is earth-shattering.  I can’t imagine this not scaring the pants off every single American who loves liberty. 

Regardless of what your personal opinion is, we should all agree that this country is in huge trouble when something like this can happen.  Where are the checks and balances?  Where is the accountability to the 320 million Americans who may or may not agree with the majority of nine?  If it can happen on this issue, it can happen on every other issue. 

Will there be societal consequences to the legalization of gay marriage?  Without a doubt. 

The first consequence that makes me want to weep is that freedom of religion will be challenged more than it already is.  How many couples do you expect to visit a mosque to request a gay wedding?  I would guess not many.  Most will go to a Methodist or Baptist church where preachers and congregations will have to defend their right to disagree with same sex unions.  The Court stole the church’s rights and handed them to a minority of people whose voices are the loudest.  I have gay friends who acknowledge this concern.  For the threat is real.

And do you think gay marriage will even be a topic of debate for the 2016 presidential candidates?  Absolutely not!  It’s the law of the land, so the candidates are off the hook in being honest about their actual opinions.  They can just say that regardless of how they feel, the Supreme Court has spoken and they respect the law.  Most Americans would probably like to hear the answer to that question.  But it won’t get asked.

As Antonin Scalia said in his dissenting opinion, “public debate over same-sex marriage displayed American democracy at its best.”  But now the debate is OVER.   

So as you can see, my mind has been wrapped around the politics in all of this more than anything.  Nothing should surprise me anymore when it comes to our society changing or the government stepping in where it shouldn’t.  I respect people on both sides of the issue, but one side has been silenced.  And that is a travesty. 

In the end, my heart feels broken in all of this.  Beyond the rainbows and the gnashing of teeth, there are people at the heart of this issue.  And we are all broken.  Gay and straight alike.  We are all in need of a Savior.    

On Sunday, our preacher taught from Daniel chapter 6.  King Darius decreed that anyone who prays to any god or man during the next 30 days, except to Darius himself, would be thrown into the lions’ den.  When Daniel learned of this decree, he went home to his upstairs room and got down on his knees to pray, giving thanks to God, just as he had done before. 

Just as he had done before.  Nothing changed for Daniel.  And yes, he was thrown into the lions’ den.  Our Supreme Court issued a decree last week.  There will be consequences and some of us will suffer.  Oh to be so courageous that we could carry on living our lives for God and not get bogged down in what five judges say or how other people choose to live their lives.

And like Daniel, I believe the next step for all of us as Christians is to keep doing what we have always done.  Pray.  Seek God’s heart.  Love your neighbor, gay or straight.  Show them Jesus.  Pray for everyone to come into the knowledge of Christ.  Let God be in charge of their hearts – you be in charge of the example you set. 

I have seen some of the most hateful comments come from Christians over the last few days.  Yes, we are a passionate people.  Our very rights and freedoms are being compromised every single day and we are lashing out at anyone and everyone.  But we have to decide where our battle should be waged. 

God is not asking me to protest the Supreme Court.  He’s not asking me to try and change anyone’s opinion or sexual orientation.  And I'm most grateful at this moment that I am not called to be a political writer.  I too often see grey when others see black and white.  I love a healthy debate but in writing about it, I feel a little out of my depth.

That said.....we have to pick the hills on which we are willing to die.  Whether or not gay marriage should be legal?  That is not my hill. 

Freedom of religion, YES!

Rights of the unborn, YES!

Love my neighbor as myself, YES!

Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life, YES, YES and YES!

It’s liberating to realize God isn’t asking me for anything other than my devotion and obedience.  He will deal with the chaos swirling around me as I try to make sense of the confusion.  And in the end, I pray that all of us can find Him in this lost and hurting world. 

Let us wage our war in the battle for souls; in the battle of Heaven versus Hell.  The harvest is ripe and people are hungry and searching.  We WIN in the end, so there is nothing to lose.

Un-Churched

Have you ever left a church because someone made you mad?  Have you ever stopped going to church because your feelings were hurt?

I spent the first 35 years of my life in the church and I’ve known dozens of families who have disappeared from the pews because they were just plain ole ticked off.  Lots of times it had to do with the color of the flowers at the front of the sanctuary.  Other times it had to do with who was or was not elected to certain leadership positions in the church.  Once I recall a family leaving the church because the Sunday school teacher disciplined their precious child.

Oh how I’ve judged people who have left the church.  I never heard a good reason for someone to leave – until it happened to me.  Let me assure you, the reason I left was a good reason.  (Where is my sarcasm font?)

First, let me get out of the way all of the valid points people like me make when we are sleeping in on Sunday morning:

1.      I don’t need a church to worship God.

2.      If God wanted me to be in church right now, he would give me clear direction on which church to attend.

3.      No one will miss us if we aren’t there.

4.      I need to find a church that has service on Saturday afternoon.

5.      I need to get myself together before I go to a new church.  I’m a total mess!

I’m going to have to dig out the other excuses that kept me warm and cozy in my bed on the countless Sunday mornings that I talked myself out of going.  Wait right here…

It shames me to admit that I stopped going to church several years ago because my feelings were hurt.  I know it sounds childish, but let me try to explain.  THE PREACHER SAID SOMETHING THAT HURT MY FEELINGS!  Bless my heart.

I literally picked up my Bible and walked out, never to return.  Oh YES, I sure did.

I was still a Christian.  I continued reading my Bible.  We still prayed before meals.  I still attended women’s conferences and journaled about what God was doing in my life.  My daughter became a Christian during this time.  My other daughter decided she wanted to be baptized and talked about it all the time.  I would tell her, once we find a church that will be the first thing we do! 

So yes, I left church.  And I dragged my family out with me.  Lovely, isn’t it?

I am not going to detail what exactly was said or why it impacted me the way it did.  I’ve shared with several friends and family members and their reactions are split down the middle.  Fifty-percent understand why it hurt me and the other 50% look at me and nicely say, “So what?” 

But I think it was what God said that changed my mind when He clearly said, “GET OVER IT!”

Since when is a preacher perfect?  A preacher is a man.  I’m married to a man and I know from experience that sometimes when they think they are being funny they SO ARE NOT.  I’m also a human being who on more than one occasion has implanted my size 9 right into the center of my big mouth.  I ask for grace all the time from the people around me – why shouldn’t I give the same courtesy to a preacher?

When we lived in Lubbock we had the best church.  We met some lifelong friends who loved and welcomed us and we faithfully did life together for years until we moved to New Braunfels.  Thinking back to one of our first evenings spent with these friends makes me blush and I think there’s a huge lesson in it for me.

On the 4^th of July after we joined Aldersgate in Lubbock, we went with some of our new friends to pop fireworks in Idalou, Texas.  Bryce was a toddler and I was about 27 ½ months pregnant with Lexi.  At one point in the evening, the guys lit a firecracker whose missile seeker technology was very advanced for 1999.  It came shooting straight across the yard and began exploding under my chair.  I grabbed my two-year-old and my huge belly and I went tearing across the yard screaming more than a few four-letter expletives.  I was mortified by my genuine yet less than lady-like outburst.  And my husband even more so.

This was one of the first impressions I left on the Smallwoods and Lynns.  But guess what, we remained friends.  In fact, maybe even closer friends after that night.  Were they shocked that a huge pregnant woman might have a lapse in good grammar when her tail is literally on fire?  I don’t think so.

And to this day when we get together we laugh about it.  Not my best moment, but isn’t that what memories are made of?

I tell this story to say – don’t wait until you are all cleaned up to find a church.  It will never happen.  I bet if you lit me on fire today I might say a cuss word.  Even if my preacher was standing there.  Or Jesus.  I will never be perfect.  Your preacher will never be perfect.

If you are waiting for perfection you’ll be waiting a long time.  The church is FULL of people.  Remember Jerry and Elaine’s conversation about people?

"I will never understand people."

This always makes me laugh because it's true - People are people.  Some are the best and some are indeed the worst.

And I have news for you.  The church is full of sinners.  And to remove all mystery for you, they know they are sinners.  They open the door for you when you walk in.  They are keeping the kids in the nursery.  They are leading music at the front.  And sinners are raising their hands in worship, surrendering their less than perfect lives to the One who is perfect and whose righteousness permeates through all of the gunk of humanity.

If you feel like a mess, there is no better place for you than church.  I know it’s scary and intimidating.  For a long time it was the very last thing I wanted to do.  But I needed it and so do you.  If for no other reason than obedience.  Do your part and I promise God will do His.

To quote my dad, “God doesn’t care where you go, just go!”

Redeemed!

I suppose that in a way, he saved my life.  He didn’t realize it at the time.  Neither did I.  It would be years before I fully understood the significance of what my Dad did.  But 19 years later, I can still hear his words and I can tell you they have shaped me and changed me.  And for sure, they saved me.

For 59 days I had been trying to figure out how to tell my parents that I was pregnant.  I had only known Erik for 6 months.  And even though I had told my mother in the beginning that I wanted to marry him, I didn’t see how anything could make the truth easier.  I was 22, pregnant and unmarried.  And while I wasn’t worried about my parents kicking me out of the house, I couldn’t bear the thought of how this would hurt them.

Living in a small town, there aren’t many things as scandalous as an unwed pregnant girl.  I shuddered just thinking about what people would say – most especially, what was my Dad going to say?  I think I might have waited forever to tell them the truth, so it was a relief when my mother walked into my bedroom that hot July afternoon and asked me, “Are you pregnant?”

My mother hugged me while I cried tears of shame and relief.  We sat and talked about Erik and our plans and she extended the forgiveness and mercy that I had been longing for.  For the first time in 3 months, I knew everything was going to be okay. 

She told me she would tell every other person in our lives about my pregnancy and upcoming wedding, but I was going to have to tell my dad and my grandparents.  And it has to be TODAY, she said. 

When Dad came home from work, Mom and I tearfully knelt on either side of his chair in the living room.  She waited and waited for me to say something, but I couldn’t speak.  Finally she said, “Jennie and Erik are going to have a baby and they are getting married.”

Dad leaned his recliner back as far as it would go and covered his eyes with his hands.  But before I could take a breath, he quickly sat back up and wrapped one giant arm around me and squeezed.  Then he leaned back again, covering his eyes.  Mom looked at me and said, “You can go." I bolted to the bedroom with my sisters.  And then I waited.

 Thirty minutes later my dad called me into their bedroom.  He walked up to me and took me by the shoulders, and with his voice shaking he said the words that saved me, “Someday you might feel a lot of guilt about this.  Don’t!  Guilt will eat you up from the inside out.  Make your peace with God and let’s get on with life.”  From that moment on, I felt no shame.  With my father’s words, the guilt melted away. 

Mom and I made our way around to all my grandparents that afternoon.  Nothing could have prepared me for the graciousness and the love each of them expressed to me.  Not only had my Dad lifted the heavy burden of shame, but then my grandparents spoke life and blessings over me and Erik and the baby.  And the moment that still makes me smile was finding my mother and my Aunt Beth sitting in the kitchen as mom told her the news.  When I walked in Aunt Beth stood up to hug me and exclaimed, “A baby!”  Finally I was starting to get really excited about marrying Erik and having this baby.

Planning a wedding usually causes stress – especially for the people who are paying for it – and money was extremely tight for Mom and Dad.  Obviously we didn’t have a lot of time to save and plan.  Also, when you are pregnant and planning a wedding you run into a lot of quandaries that ordinarily wouldn’t be a factor.  For example, we wondered whether it should be a family-only wedding.  Should I even have bridesmaids?  Maybe it should just be Erik, me and a preacher. Should I wear a white dress?  It seems silly in hindsight because society has certainly changed since those days.  But for us, we were finding our way along this very confusing, narrow path and trying to do the right thing.

One day my dad came in for lunch and my mother and I were sitting at the kitchen table discussing all of our options for my wedding.  My dad is semi-famous for his quiet, yet profound communication styles.  Sometimes you think he’s not listening, but then he might bowl you over with wisdom you didn’t expect.  This moment was my favorite ever. 

He turned to us and said, “You are going to wear a white dress.  I’m going to walk you down the aisle.  And we are going to invite every person we know.”  Only my dad can speak something so huge in so few amount of words.  He went back to work and left my mother and me in a puddle of tears. 

And my dad did proudly walk me down the aisle on that rainy August day.  We have never discussed how he felt in those first days after the news.  He has never spoken to me about being hurt or embarrassed or disappointed.  But of course, he had to have felt all of those things.  What it must have cost him at moments to put my heart ahead of his own feelings.  But his number one concern was ME – my heart, my relationship with God, my life in the years to come.  As a parent I can now ask this question – how did he do it?  Could I do the same?

I can’t think of a better example of our Heavenly Father.  Can you?  He does not condemn.  He is never disappointed.  He loves wholly and completely without prejudice.  And he is more concerned with my heart and my future than he is with a clean house or my roller coaster walk with Him. 

So yes, my Dad saved me.  He allowed me to enjoy my wedding day and he honored me by standing next to me.  He gave me the confidence to hold my head high in front of my family and friends.  He gave me permission to accept God’s forgiveness and to forgive myself.  And I’m most thankful that he helped me find God in the midst of the struggle. 

God redeemed my life from the pit.  He made my deserts like Eden, my wastelands like the garden of the Lord.  And my Dad just happened to be standing right next to Him when he did it.  Happy Father’s Day, Dad.  I love you!

my HEART transplant

Another truth that will take a lifetime to learn…..I believe those were some of my last words on my last blog post – two years ago.  Strangely, that does feel like somewhat of a lifetime ago.  Isn’t that always the case when you are learning a hard lesson?  I was writing about my Aunt Sarah who died of breast cancer in 1991:

“And the truth is, Sarah did not spend her time believing FOR something. She believed God would heal her, but her faith was not in the healing. Her faith was in the Person who could change her circumstances in a breath. And knowing full well that He just might not do what she was asking. To me, that is the most staggering, mind-blowing, amazing kind of faith. She believed God was going to heal her, but decided that even if he didn’t, she still believed HIM.”

Honestly, my heart learned this truth in a moment.  But it’s taken much longer to begin applying this truth to my life and to our journey with Bryce’s heart disease.  What I shared in March 2013, was just the beginning of a new walk with the Lord for me.  When this profound truth finally dawned on me, my entire perspective began to change.  For the first time in years, my relationship with God became less about my needs and prayers and more about Who He is.  There were times it felt like an arm wrestle with God.  Other times I have been ashamed to feel like a teenager storming into my bedroom and slamming the door.  But mostly, it’s been a moment in life where I’ve been still and letting myself truly understand for the first time just how good He really is.  Even when the healing isn’t quick.  When the wound continues to go deeper.  And understanding never comes.  HE IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL.

I have never once questioned, “why us?” when it came to Bryce inheriting heart disease.  I shudder when I hear people ask that question.  Because why NOT you?  Why NOT me?  None of us are immune to hard times and sickness. 

During Erik’s illness in 2002-2003, literally hundreds of people prayed on our behalf that our children would be delivered from the curse of heart disease.  This was my daily prayer as well.  And at one point, I honestly thought I heard God clearly say that my children would be spared.  I finally stopped asking for it and just started joyfully and whole-heartedly thanking the Lord for my kids’ healing.

Then my towers fell.  We found out Bryce wasn’t delivered.  He wasn’t healed.  I had heard wrong.  Or I only heard what I wanted to hear.  Not only was he diagnosed with cardiomyopathy at the age of 8, but now we were looking at a heart transplant in his late teens or early twenties. 

Suddenly I felt very silly. I felt tricked and I thought that every precious moment I had spent with the Lord had been false.  A joke.  He must have been embarrassed for me as I poured out my heart believing such a wrong thing.  Did the angels roar with laughter?

I cringe to admit the depths of despair I discovered in myself.  But my thinking was so off base!  And man was the devil more than happy to start singing that song all day everyday – what a fool you are, Jennie!  You imagined it all!  There is no real intimacy with God, sucker.

First let me say with fervor and complete repentance…..It is a VERY dangerous thing to make any assumption about something God is saying that doesn’t come straight out of the Bible.  Yes, I believe He speaks to me in intimate ways that are not printed on the page.  But when you start believing something like “my son is healed because God said”, you have to readjust your thinking.  This is exactly where I got stuck – for a very, very long time.  The truth that Aunt Sarah taught me (that took 20 years to sink in) was that I was trusting in the healing and not the Healer.  I had to come to the place where even if He doesn’t heal Bryce, I’m still going to trust in God and know that he is always good and always faithful.  No matter what.

In September 2014, we got excellent news at Bryce’s doctor’s appointment.  The echocardiogram showed that his heart was less enlarged than it had been and that he appeared to be growing into his heart.  We had never heard news like that before.  The doctor was cautious, but extremely happy with the results. The first thing I always do when Bryce and I leave Children’s in Dallas is call my mother.  Her reaction was what you would expect.  She said, “Well, praise the Lord!”

In that moment I felt such conviction because of my reactions on the countless prior occasions when the news had not been good….and I thought, “Yes, but praise Him anyway!”  That was when the real experience happened for me and when I finally started applying Sarah’s truth to my life.

Yes, praise the Lord that Bryce is growing into his heart.  But even if he wasn’t, praise the Lord!  Again, conviction flowed out of me and the repentance I felt in my heart was overwhelming.  I asked God again and again to forgive my lack of faith in the last several years of dealing with this and I thanked Him for His patience in teaching me and giving me the time and strength to finally get it.

In March of this year, we got more good news.  Once again the echocardiogram showed that his heart was less enlarged but also, it was functioning better.  In other words, the 3 medications Bryce has been taking were doing exactly what they were supposed to – allowing his heart to function better.

And the absolutely best part – for the first time ever a cardiologist said MAYBE Bryce wouldn’t need a transplant down the road.  I just cried and laughed.  And cried.

When I called my parents on the way home to tell them the news, they were in tears.  Just weeks before, they had attended a prayer meeting and prayed specifically for Bryce and against the curse of hereditary heart disease.  This was their answered prayer.  This was the healing.

My heart rejoices every day that we got that good news.  It was such a relief to hear the medicine was working and I felt a huge burden lift off my shoulders.  Is Bryce healed?  I don’t know.  And I might not know until the other side of Heaven.  And you know what – that’s okay! 

I’m going to praise the Lord today and tomorrow.  I’m going to praise the Lord when we get good news and when we get bad news.  Because He is the same no matter what.  He didn’t bring the sickness.  He didn’t create it or ordain it.  We live in a sad and fallen world and people are always going to get sick.  But He has a purpose and a plan for us and nothing can change or alter that. 

My journey is not over.  Understanding and learning about what God says about healing may always be one of the most fascinating things to me.  Maybe because I’ve seen it go both ways many, many times.  There is no explanation.  There is no pattern.  There is no magic formula or scripture.  And I have decided to cut my humanity some slack and realize it will NEVER make complete sense to me.

But HE NEVER CHANGES.  He is always good.  Oh friend, if you are going through anything like this I encourage you to press in to Him.  Even when you don’t want to – actually, ESPECIALLY if you don’t want to.  He will reveal Himself to you in precious ways, and with the peace that surpasses your understanding.  Don’t be hard-headed and rebellious like I was.  Let the truth set you free earlier rather than later.

I don’t know why I waited so long to share this.  I think it might be because Bryce just graduated from high school and is registering for classes and looking for apartments in another city.  He’s healthy.  He’s happy.  He’s embarking on a new chapter in his life.  And maybe I thought this was a good time for me to do the same.

Ezekiel 36:26

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.